.

Well, it has certainly been a while since my last post.  My, at all that has changed.  I dare not begin to list these things.  As for the current happenings in my life....

I saw something terrible this last night.  I work as a Nurses Aide at rest home.  My heart gets broken on a daily basis, and I am slapped in the face with the reality of the true rature of humans even more regularly.  It is no secret that people can do some terrible things in life, but we often forget how many things a single person can endure.

I have been caring for a lady for about four months now.  Not in the way a nurse does.  I don't do the paperwork and step in ever so briefly to administer medication.  But, my job is just as vital in her life.  I step in to do the "dirty work".  I clean bedpans, take vital signs, feed, and assist in all the things in life that we try to keep private while we can.  This lady passed last night before dawn, though it wasn't her death that astonishes me so.

This woman (whom must remain nameless) had suffered a stroke and had no use of one side of her body.  She did not stand, walk, sit or even eat in the conventional way.  She could not control her speech so she meerly did not try.  In addition to these already severe ailments, she had terminal cancer.  She suffered physical pain beyond anything I have probably ever felt and couldn't say a word about it.

This woman spoke not a word in my entire knowing her, and yet I grew relatively fond of her.  Perhaps it is the human reaction to habit (being that I saw her almost daily) or perhaps I could somehow identify with the slow steady pain of loneliness she must have felt. 

Not much can be said about her life as I knew her, though the instance of her death speaks volumes to me.  In all the time I cared for her I saw family visit her only once... until the time grew near to her death.  It was her husband that had visited the one time before.  He had come to take the ring from her finger that was now too swollen to parade it.  He stayed no more than an hour.  Tears as he left showed that he did care.  Perhaps the pain of losing her was eased by detatching himself gradually.  This surely came at her expense.

Upon death, there were a lobby full of people whom I had never seen visiting.  They reminded me of vultures awaiting a meal.  I'm not suggesting they were after any sort of belongings she may have had... but it seemed to be more of a thirst of curiosity.  A few were there to mourn while others tried to offer hope.  Some were there for support and had no knowledge of the person at all. 

Seeing her as I did, I think this somehow frightened her.  She was well aware of her condition and this only brought the terrible truth to a blinding light.  Even so she never shed a tear.  She passed away quietly and remarkable peacefully.

Her story scares me and shakes my soul to the very core.  I have little fear of dying, but I have a tremendous fear of being alone.  I had tried once to distance myself from anyone and anything close to me.  I ultimately failed.  I have come to appreciate that choice though.  I appreciate all of the people around me, regaurdless to my relationship with them.  I appreciate my ability to express my feelings and furthermore my abilities in general. 

I don't know if this segment has moved anyone.  Perhaps I didn't do the story justice.  Point is, take a fools advice and step back and be gracious. For a moment, forget stressful future plans and items you wish you had and focus on the soul.  Focus on your family, friends, and loved ones.  Give thanks for your mere ability to interact with them and express your love.  Though you may feel alone sometimes, atleast you have the ability to reach out.  Though you may feel you are at ropes very end, hang on.  Chances are the best is yet to come and you are far from falling past the edge.  And for heavens sake, love as honestly and fully as you can.  Hurt will surely follow.  But, hopefully upon lifes end, it will be the joy you felt that hangs in mind, not the loneliness.

~Moose~

     Well today was certainly dull, atleast in comparison to last Friday.  Friday, we had a teacher have a heart attack in mid class, another have an asthma attack waving down the ambulance, and a student have a panic attack.  Talk about Chaos.  In this sence, dull is good.  Mr. Stuart was back to teaching today, despite the limitations the doctor put on him.  You know you have a great teacher when the man has a heart attack and is most worried for whether or not he scared his class.  Any way, I'm thankful the attack was mild and he is well enough to have come back.  We would have missed him greatly.

     While on the subject of school, the Shelbyville dramma department is putting on two productions in the old rock building beginning at 7pm.  Anyone who has the foggiest idea as to where that is... come out and support us.  Though a word of advice, come in a bit late.  ^.^

     Beyond that, I don't really have anything to tell.  Chatter later.

                                                                                                              ~Moose~

                                                            Doll

Hidden turns.

Bruised skies.

Take a step back

to ultimately realize

you chose the wrong path,

despite that extra mile.

Fear breeds wrath.

At your pain they smile.

Bleeding eyes gone blind,

but the darkness is still seen.

To fight that cold surrender,

and keep a face serene.

The words of our forefathers

take to haunting out minds.

We are certain to falter

both out lives and the times.

We are but dolls of porcelain

that try to appear cement,

unable to crack,

an expression we rent.

                                                                              ~Moose~

     Yeah, I got really bored one afternoon.  This is the product of an idol mind for me.  Errr.... enjoy!?

Errr, I think I was tagged... so here we go.

1.) Math is my worst subject in school, but among those I most admire.

2.) All my anger, pain, and frustration can ususually be cured with a hug.

3.) I'm not afraid of committment, but I fear being hurt.

4.) I would take a physical beating with a smile before I could stand a mental one.

5.) I have trouble admitting defeat - Failure is one of my greatest fears

6.) I don't like candy or cookies, but my favorite food is a red velvet cake with cream cheese icing.

7.) I can't stand for my radio, television, or cell phones volume to be tuned to a multiple of five.

8.) I am horrible at flirting and relationships mind games.

9.) I value strength more than victory.

10.) A lifetime goal is to see snow.

11.) I think I own two pairs of closed toe shoes, none of which I wear regularly.

12.) I am a hygene fanatic, I take two to three showers daily, and yet I have no organization skills.

13.) I oppose physical beauty personally, but I still wear makeup.

14.) The fastest way to anger me is to attack my religion.

15.) The easiest way to have me in tears is to yell.

Hmmm... I can't think of many people who know all of these things.  Matter of fact, I can barely thing of anyone who knows the majority of them. 

Tag: Katie and Calvin.... (I know I am supposed to tag more but those are the only two people I know on xanga that haven't been tagged.)

                                                               ~Moose~

http://quizilla.com/users/LadyTigerEyes/quizzes/Who%20would%20you%20be%20if%20you%20were%20a%20character%20in%20an%20epic%20fantasy%3F%20(beautiful%20pictures)/

SAGE

You are the Sage, the mysterious wise one or shaman. Sages dedicate their lives to the pursuit of knowledge. They are very wise and are good with philosophy and theology. They make good teachers, counselors, and advisors.

Color: Gold
Animal: Raven
Gem: Topaz
Symbol: Pen
      (I saw where a friend of mine took this and couldn't resist.  I took it twice and came out with sage first, so it is the one I put up here.  Second time I took it, I changed philosopher as occupation over to missionary and came out with Paladin.)  

      If anyone knows the secret to learning the guitar overnight, share the wealth!  I have had a guitar for months and tried every method ever conceived to learn to play.  A friend introduced guitar tabs to me yesterday and it just totally blew my mind.  I look at it and know I am making it harder than what it is meant to be. 

     I can listen to something on the radio and after a little while of trying to mimic the song, and playing the song over and over... I get a part down.  BUT, the second I move on to another part of the song, or put the guitar down for only moments, I have lost all that I learned.  Short term memory is not my strongest point, and it is necessary for long term memory production.  When I try to play off of sheet music, my rhythm and such suffer to the point that I am wasting my time. 

     Well, Lacey has less than a month to go before her wedding.  There is still so much planning to do and whatnot, I don't know how we are going to get it all finished.  I haven't even rented/bought/found a dress yet. 

     The last time I talked to her, which was a few days back, she said she was having second thoughts.  I believe that if there is any shadow of a doubt, you don't need to make that sort of commitment.  Then again, divorce has made that once sacred bond, something we take as lightly as getting a tattoo.  You can get it removed with only a slight scar to show where it once lay.  Eh, I'm not going to get on my "romantic rampage".

      Well, school went a little better today than it did yesterday.  No in school suspension (ISS) today!  Yeah... yesterday I spent a day in a version of detention.  How I got there was actually kinda funny.  One of my teachers went so far as to call it borderline genius.  LOL! 

     Our English class had an assignment: an essay outline, thesis, and the first four body paragraphs.  Well the teacher was in a bad mood by the end of the period, first period of eight mind you, and I wasn't totally finished.  I had barely begun on my paper.  He refused to give me parshal credit for what I had done, but told me in a twisted form of humor that I could turn it in at the end of the day.  He knew as well as I did I wouldn't have a chance because of the class changes and lectures.  I went to second period and actually begged my teacher to send me to ISS so I could finish my paper.  She obliged, and I went on account of "excessive tardies."  Yeah... you know you are a dork when... ^^^

     You know, ISS is really not so bad if it wasn't for the lunch.  What was on the menu?  Cold peanut butter sandwich, old pineapple (Dry and brownish), chocolate milk, and orange juice.  Don't get me wrong, I love all four of these things... except perhaps the chocolate milk.... but not in combination with one another.  Plus, pineapple is much better fresher.

     Anywho, I am going to retire from xanga for tonight.  Sorry I didn't have anything more interesting to tell. 

                                                                                ~Moose~